BDSM

BDSM

    For many people, the term "BDSM" conjures up images of whips,
chains and dungeons. Horror and torture stories abound of submissives and
slaves being tied up, beaten and having unmentionable things done to them.
Dominants and Masters alike are painted as unfeeling sadists who only get
enjoyment from forcing their partners to do things they themselves would
never be caught dead doing.
    While there is indeed a darker aspect to BDSM - and these are the stories
most often related to newcomers on the scene as well at to those outside of
it -- there is a side of the lifestyle that is more sensual in nature. It is
of this side that I wish to write.
    Let me say up front that I intend no disrespect at all towards those who
participate in the activities I mentioned above. It takes a lot of courage
to admit that you need to have these things done in order to be fulfilled in
your life, and even more to seek out someone who can help you meet those
needs.
    However, there are those of us in the scene who choose a different
approach to Dominance and submission. It meets our needs and fulfills us the
same as the more physical aspects does that of others.
    First, let me interject something that I learned early in my venture into
the BDSM way of life. There are different categories of Doms and subs,
Masters and slaves. One is neither better/worse, lower/higher, nor less/more
than the other. They are merely facets of the varied way we live our lives.
    The first category has to do with the Master/slave, or extreme physical
end of the spectrum. In this relationship, the slave gives up all rights and
privacy except for the privileges given by the Master. The relationship
itself often tends to be much more physical in nature, slaves usually
claiming to have "no limits" and submitting to whatever the Master deems
appropriate, often including servicing other people, humiliation play,
piercings and/or brandings, role-play, physical torture, emotional
deprivation, and asking permission to attend to personal needs. Such slaves
may have a specific place to sleep, often on the floor or in a space
designated for them, up to and including a cage. They may only be permitted
to eat out of dishes placed on the floor. Their privacy and time alone is
severely restricted and much of their time is plotted out for them as far as
chores, duties, and assignments. It is very physically and emotionally
intense, though it supplies gratification in itself for those who need this
type of direction in their lives. I have heard more than one slave relate
that without the structure provided by such a Master, their lives would be
haphazard and unorganized at best.
    The second category includes those in the Master/slave portion of the
lifestyle who participate in the heavier physical aspects to a lesser extent
than those mentioned before, as well as many Dominants and submissives. Their
participation may range from full-time to bedroom-only; the slaves or subs
may or may not hold an outside job; many times there are children involved in
these relationships that perhaps prevent, for a time, the partners from being
as deeply integrated into the lifestyle as they might wish. There are
others, however, who do not desire to Dominate - or submit -- to the level of
the extremely physical. They may desire physical play, but not humiliation;
scening, but not public display; the possibilities and combinations are
endless. Again, the participants in this category seek a relationship within
the scope of BDSM that fills their needs.
    The third category encompasses the sensual realms of Dominance and
submission. While there is much sensuality involved in BDSM in and of
itself, for many the focus is not on this sensuality as an end. The sensual
aspects of the varied toys and utensils utilized by the D/s community are
often overlooked. It is to this category that Sir and I presently belong,
and the one which I am most acquainted with, though I do strive to learn as
much as I can about the others so as not to be ignorant of their appeal to
those who choose to live in that style.
    Again, let me stress that belonging to one or another of these sectors of
the lifestyle we have chosen does not define one as more or less committed,
deeper or more shallow, more or less serious than any other. Every person
has needs; some are more physically oriented than others, requiring an
intense stimulus to achieve a level of satisfaction that another may achieve
with a whisper. I am not attempting to judge or place labels on anyone.
    It has been suggested that those into the erotic and sensual aspects of
the lifestyle are not true Dominants or submissives. That belief is
erroneous at best. The Dominant nature is an inherent trait, as is the
submissive's need to serve. We are born that way. It is not something we
wake up and decide to do one day out of the blue. The tendencies are there
from the beginning.
    BDSM is not exclusively sadomasochism, though SM is often incorporated
into the lifestyle. Perhaps that is where part of the misunderstanding
begins. The pictures we see of whips, crops and floggers being used for
punishment and torture have tinged our minds so that we have come to see the
terms as synonymous. In fact, they are not. Dominance and submission begins
and ends, for all practical purposes, in the mind. The physical acts follow
the conscious determination to yield or wield the power we have over
ourselves. Two - or more -- participants entering into a relationship, or
agreeing to scene at a playparty, first decide who is sub and who is Dom, and
how those roles shall be carried out.
    The sensual realm of BDSM is an intense one. It may not appear to be so
at first glance, but looking deeper into it will give the seeker many things
to consider.
    Even the strictest Master will tell you that until the slave's mind is
under control, the slave is not truly theirs. It is possible to submit in
the body while being rebellious in the mind, but that attitude will
eventually "out" itself in one way or another. The giving of the will is
perhaps the hardest thing a submissive will ever do. Once it is fully
yielded, the body will follow suit out of willing obedience and a true desire
to serve.
    This form of submitting comes easier to some than to others. It has been
theorized that there are natural-born subs. These types of people spend
their lives serving others, often at the expense of their own interests or
desires. They frequently enter a profession that involves serving or helping
others, whether it be as a maid, a nurse, or an attorney. They are most
satisfied when they succeed in fulfilling another's dream or wish. For this
reason, natural or high-end submissives are susceptible to abusive and
manipulative relationships and must be careful not to be taken advantage of
in the workplace. In contrast to the slave who must be trained in this
arena, the natural-born slave lives to serve. They easily pick up on their
Master's preferences and memorize them, taking care to almost anticipate
needs before they arise. They thrive on praise instead of discipline. In
fact, they may require very little in the way of corrective measures due to
their intuitive natures.
    As a sensual submissive, my motivation is the pleasure of my Dominant. I
bear in mind at all times that my attitude and behavior is a reflection of
our relationship and affects his reputation in the lifestyle as well as my
own. I would not consciously attempt to conduct myself in such a manner that
it would bring him dishonor. To know that I have disappointed him would be
more of a punishment to me than any whipping could ever bring. Consequently,
I have few rules or constraints. He is confident that I will behave in a way
that will please him.
    D/s relationships that are primarily sensual in nature differ in several
ways from the more physical ones.
    Perhaps the most obvious difference is reflected in the toy collection of
the sensual Dominant. There are no torture implements, and the toys that are
owned are utilized in ways that might not seem like D/s at all to the casual
observer, or even to some in the lifestyle itself.
    Floggers are not used to bring pain here. The intent is to tenderize the
skin, making it sensitive to touch and other stimulus. They are mostly made
of softer material, and the techniques used are more along the lines of a
caress or stroke along the skin rather than an overhand or sidearm motion.
Much can be accomplished by requiring the submissive to lie still with closed
eyes as a deerskin flogger is drawn in feather-gentle motions along the
outlines of the body. The anticipation factor is tremendous. Rabbit-fur
mitts are a favorite with sensuals, as are simple things like silk scarves
(not only for tying down), feather dusters, and different textures of fabric.

    The body of the submissive who has become accustomed to this kind of play
becomes a like a large nerve ending. The smallest touch can create
unexpected reactions. A simple breath across the neck brings some to the
verge of climax without ever being physically stimulated. A word -- or a
phrase -- can trigger an orgasm in a well-trained sub.
    While extending the capabilities, and abilities, of the submissive is
often part of the goal of a Dom/sub or Master/slave relationship, the
sensually oriented Dominant seeks to do this through a different avenue than
those more geared to the physical aspect.
    Endurance is built by taking the sub to higher and higher levels of
pleasure; however, in contrast to denying the sub permission to orgasm, the
Dom frequently seeks to heighten them for their partner by slowly building
the sensations in intensity and backing down just as the sub reaches the
verge of climaxing. They seek to find new and different ways to bring their
subs to this point through the use of sensual touch, massage, sounds, and
anything else they can come up with to assist the submissive to reach that
higher plane.
    While some Masters and Dominants train their slaves with many of the same
techniques for each successive one, the goal of the sensual Dominant is to
bring their submissive to the highest level that sub can reach as an
individual. Consequently, the training is more tailored to the personality
of a specific submissive. Care is taken to consider the sub's past
experiences and fears when engaging in new forms of play. The pace may seem
very slow as the Dominant seeks to build a base of trust and confidence with
the new partner before attempting to breach any lines of inhibition.
Encouragement and praise is often given to reward the sub for progress in
these areas.
    Physical punishment has little place in the sensual aspect of the
lifestyle. The very nature of the parties involved leans toward less intense
forms of discipline. For the sensual sub, a few words conveying the
disappointment of the Dominant in their behavior or conduct is enough to
bring the desired change. The types of submissives who engage in this kind
of relationship are usually highly sensitive to pleasing their Dominant. The
knowledge that they have erred is often sufficient stimulus in itself to make
a change for the better.
    As a sensual submissive, the smile on my Dominant's face is the best
reward I could ever hope for. Knowing that he is proud of me, and that I am
growing in a way that pleases him, gives me the confidence I need to strive
to become even better at bringing him that pleasure. I seek to take the
initiative in my own growth by learning as much as I can about the lifestyle,
speaking with those who are more experienced in this part of it as well as
those into the more physical aspects in an effort to understand and gain
information that I can use in my own life.
    I am learning daily to let go of the fears and inhibitions of my past.
Knowing that my Dominant loves me and that my safety is his utmost concern at
all times is of great import in this area. Early in our relationship he
asked me to relate as much as I could recall of my past to him. This
assignment served two purposes. The first thing it did was to let him know
why I had the limits I did; what I had been through in the past that might
pose difficulties in a new relationship; where my weaknesses and strengths
were; and served to give him a sense of where to begin with my training. The
second purpose was to help me begin to open up to him completely. Relating
the pain and feelings associated with my past, and knowing that he accepted
me in spite of that, began to establish a trust in him that continues to grow
as we share our lives.
    My goal in writing this has been multifaceted. First and foremost, I
simply needed to share how I feel about this lifestyle I have chosen to live.
I find it exciting and fun. It has taught me much about myself and others
as well as explaining yearnings and desires I had hidden deep inside myself
for a long time. Second, I have on occasion heard criticism and condemnation
of those who live the sensual aspects of BDSM, and I wanted to let the
readers know that we are still Dom and sub, though we may not go to the
extent that others do. It is not the action that makes one a Dominant, nor
is it serving that makes one a submissive. The Dominant trait is inherent,
as is the submissive one. The attitude is what matters, not how we choose to
live it out. The final goal was to give those who have felt submissive, or
perhaps even Dominant, tendencies, but who are not into the heavier forms of
play, encouragement that there is a place in the lifestyle for them. One
does not have to be into the deeply physical portions of the lifestyle to be
a Dominant or a submissive. It is whatever works for the individuals
involved that matters.
    BDSM is a way of life...not a set of rules. Tolerance is crucial, as is
concern for the emotional and physical safety of all involved. Continuously
seeking to expand knowledge and understanding should be the goal of all
participants. While I am a sensual submissive, I have great respect and
honor for those who choose to live the other side of the lifestyle. I may
venture into that side myself at some point...or a few may choose to try this
end of the spectrum. It is all part of WIITWD (what it is that we do).